The 13 Articles of
Faith of the Missionaries
1) We
believe in as many suits, white shirts, assortment of ties as possible and
that Sisters
should have as many outfits as necessary.
2) We
believe that a Missionary will be punished for their own sins as well as
their
companion’s transgressions.
3) We
believe that through little effort of their own all ELDERS will start to go bald and
that all SISTERS will have bad hair days according to the laws and statutes
of nature.
4) We
believe that the first counsels and advice of the mission are
First: Faith in the nutrition of
peanut butter
Second:
Macaroni and Cheese
Third: Milk of Magnesia for the remission of errors
Fourth: the leaning on of members for the gift of
free meals.
5) We believe a Missionary must tract in
rain, wind, and in other circumstances due to
the threats of those
in authority to restrict our privileges and administer the punishments
thereof.
6) We believe in the same organization that
existed under the previous mission leadership;
namely the Mission
President, Assistants to President, Office Elders, Zone Leaders,
District Leaders, Senior Companions and so
forth.
7) We
believe in the gift of cakes, candies, cookies, donuts, letters from home,
Birthday and Christmas cards,
money, etc.
8) We
believe the Mission President to be the head of the mission until he is
translated
accordingly. We also believe his Assistants to be his
mouth pieces until then.
9) We
eat all food members have prepared, all they do now prepare, and we believe
they will
yet prepare many great and inspiring
meals according to the persuasions of the
ELDERs/SISTERs.
10) We
believe in the literal departure of ELDERs/SISTERs and in their tendencies
to discuss
things they are going to
do once home; that Zion will be built upon this fact; and that we
will not be trunky until dismissed and
given honorable releases.
11) We
claim the privilege of writing letters home according to the dictates of
our own
schedule, and allow all ELDERs/SISTERs
the same privilege; let them write how, when,
where, or to whom they may.
12) We
believe in not being subject to stop signs, yield signs, speed limits, nor
common sense
in smashing,
crashing, and abusing mission cars or bicycles, or whatever the case may be.
13) We
believe in being good looking, full of food (and ourselves), CHASED,
magnificent,
flirtatious, and in saying
“HI” to all members of either sex.
Indeed we may say that we
follow no admonition at all. We question all things, we bother all things,
we put
off many things, and we hope to be able to
put off all things. If there is ANYONE
virtuous, lovely, of good report, or
praiseworthy we seek after them immediately.
